once again it's all jen's fault ;)

1)you've graduated. what do you want to do in the next five years?Want to get a job, maybe go back to school, do all the things I've ever wanted; like go to a jazz club in the city, visit Italy...be an adult. Oh, and make loads of money so I don't have to worry about anything...and meeting the person I wanna marry would be cool too. I'm getting old ;) 2) the united states falls off the face of the planet and you have to re-locate. where would you go and why? ITALY!!!! because it's lovely. And, yes, I know "the boys will pinch your ass till it's black and blue and chase you into the ocean." Or maybe I'm mixing my warnings about Greece and Italy. Hmm.3)how do you think you've changed through the college years? oh bloody hell, that's a broad question. Let's just say I've gained a lot more experience through which I can evaluate life.4) favorite poet? favorite poem? Don't know and/or don't have one. One I admire greatly for his intelligence is Shakespeare. He's bloody brilliant...and sick.5)where's waldo? for that matter, where are you?Lower right corner behind the fat guy in the bathing suit. Wouldn't you like to know! Bwa hahaha. I've escaped to my secret location. OK!now, onto what you do:1. leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.2. i will respond and ask you five questions.3. you'll update your journal/blog/diary/thing with my five questions, and your five answers.4. you'll tack this sterling explanation onto the end.5. and you'll ask anyone who wants to be interviewed by you five questions of your own devising. (taken EXACTLY from Jen)

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine

The other night, dear, As I lay sleeping I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken And I hung my head and cried.-------------------------------Ironic how understanding and hope can hurt your very self.

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine

The other night, dear, As I lay sleeping I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken And I hung my head and cried.-------------------------------Ironic how understanding and hope can hurt your very self.

resistance would break you

it moves you round, moves aroundfirst you're lost then you're foundshakes you up; breaks you downwill confuse you, and reuse youbut I doubt that without thatyou would know it's real. I can feel it, though you won't admitthe distance between us that you can't missnot a shock, but a lotof what is so far gonewhen you've kept it that longfrom me, can't you seeI know it's there. And after allI read it inside you; you can't hide itthough you tried to.There's no point in bending to the breaks that you'd takewhen I know it all anyway.it moves you round, moves aroundfirst you're lost then you're foundshakes you up; breaks you downwill confuse you, and reuse youbut I doubt that without thatyou would know it's true. Though it was mostlythat we'were closelyrelatingtoday it's cuz we're no longerand today are we stranger?that's the dangerof losing and leaving. Taken away would you knowif you were still therelike you wereyou could be so bravebut you'd never saveyourself.

interesting night

Well, a surprising guest came by. Brought me roses (and candy!), and made me happy...like I haven't been in awhile. We played pool, drank a little beer (not too much for the druggie here ;) ) And took a long walk and talked a lot. ---side note--- during the walk I FOUND a copy of Snow Crash!!! Isn't that rawkin? ---end---bought more books, played games...talked a lot. I need to figure out what I want in my life now. Things swing so much day to day. I may move, I may not. But I just feel really calm and at home right now, and it's nice to feel that way again. I'm happy again.

today

today my outlook seems better. And I feel better. I think it has to do with making the right decision finally. After all I went through today, I suddenly feel chipper. I don't know why, though I think it had a lot to do with Jay. Thank you for coming over. Wheat Thins.I need to work things out in my head. And in person. I am so bloody impatient though, it's dreadful :P I can wait. I finally caved in and bought Harry Potter - will be enjoying that for awhile! and I have plans this week! woohoo! and people to drive with me, and parties to go to, and little brothers to see. Or maybe just one little brother ;) Pieces are starting to fit - maybe not in ways I ever would have chosen or intended them to, but really, that's what life is about, right? You don't get to choose the way they fall. You can't stuff a piece in and expect the picture to come out right. It just won't. Anyway, now that I have a plan...and the time to execute it in, I feel more content. It's odd really, how strongly my feelings and emotions oscillate. I think that this will have a big (positive) effect on my health as well. I am happy, because hopefully that means I won't have to go through surgery! and that is allllllways a good thing. And for Seth and all those other people who haven't seen me before this year, You don't know me. I am a happy, positive independent person, and I enjoy that person and plan on getting back to it. I'm starting right now. :D

I think

I'm done with this. I'm leaving. I gave it my best shot, and it didn't work. I wish you all well, and hope you have good lives. I can't stay here anymore, I have no more reason, and too much pain.goodbye

yeah this week sucks

my friend lost her babyanother friend killed himselfi had a painful hospital experienceand now i'm alonefuck this. I'm tired of this fucking world.

MUST DIE

today's outline so far...may be updated later depending on how crappy my day goes.[wake up]immediately note that my throat is, yet again, swollen beyond repair. I HAVE to get these things out. ASAP. Like...emergency room status.Get dressed as quickly as possible for interview...walk outside, step in shit. Not notice I've stepped in shit, and therefore drag it all over my car rugs...which I have now washed. Make it down to interview...barely in time. Find parking a block up with shoes that are really hard to run in. Interview went fairly well I think, but I had to rush my tests because I had to get to work...so we'll see!Ran to work, which I made just in time, only to figure out 20 minutes later that, because my work entails talking on the phone, I can't work today. Blast. Come home...call doctor...we'll see. On the plus side, my smom is now done with chemo! Yay!!!edit 1: M came by...I CAN"T TALK!!! Never mind going out to clubs or costco. Buy a clue while you're out. edit 2: right...so what I found out tops it all. Since this is a very very painful thing, I'd rather not write about it in a public forum, but - this one's for Jake. I loved you man.The irony of my subject is evidently not lost. [end...so far]

Break free so you can see

I wish I could fly, from this feeling, from this all. And if I should try, would you catch me if I fall?[BNL - modified]

I love my mom

I really love talking to my mom sometimes. I think that she really gets me, (most of the time...she has her moments where she drives me bonkers) But she really cares about me and my life and the things going on. I think that it's important to really keep in touch with your family, and it's awesome when they really understand you and what's going on in your life. It's interesting because the difference between the two sides of my family is so tangible. I love my dad and stepmom (and of course my brother!), but the relationship is soooo different. The people are so different. As I have grown older, I think I have become more and more like my mom, especially in how I deal with my relationships. It's so funny though, because on those occasions when she goes crazy and I get really pissed at her, I can't see this side at all. I guess that's the problem in dealing with family. So much history. Anyway, it makes me happy to talk to her, because I really feel satisfied and I feel like she understands me. Just like talking to R-yam. It's so nice when somebody really just GETS you. You know?

I've misplaced my brain, can you help me find it?

I'm still trying to drag my mind, kicking and screaming, back into my body